5 minute read

A few weeks ago a hashtag was trending on Twitter. I paused before I clicked into it. Twitter has come a long way from the heady days of live-tweeting the Late Late Show, and is now where humour, kindness, nuance and often sanity go to die. #oldandugly filled me with dread. What could it be about? And how many horrible men were making it a trending topic? But I needn’t have worried. What met me on first click made me smile and kept me smiling all day.

Perennial supermodel Paulina Porizkova is 57 and still a total babe. She recently had the audacity to post a photo of herself looking happy in a blue bikini, an act that drew ire from a faceless follower. “You must be in so much pain to keep posting bikini pictures at your age. I’ve always thought that getting old and ugly is hardest on the pretty people. The fall from grace is so much farther when you were beautiful. Ugly people were always ugly so getting old and ugly isn’t a change. In summary, I feel your pain. I pray you can come to terms with your mortality. We all get old and ugly… you just had to fall from a greater height than the rest of us.”

On Twitter Paulina posted a second photo of herself in a bikini and said: “A thoughtful reader comment on IG needs an equally thoughtful response. Thank you for feeling my pain, @rickaroo777. As you can see, I’m suffering indeed.” She delved a bit deeper on Instagram….

“Here’s a good follower comment – echoing a few others.
A woman of 57 is “too old” to pose in a bikini - no matter what she looks like.
Because “Old” is “Ugly”.
I get comments like these every time I post a photo of my body.
This is the ageist shaming that sets my teeth on edge.
Older men are distinguished, older women are ugly.
People who believe prettiness equals beauty do not understand beauty.
Pretty is easy on the eyes, partly because it’s a little bland, inoffensive. It’s easy to take in and easy to forget.
Not so beauty. Beauty can be sharp. It can wound you and leave a scar.
To perceive beauty you have to be able to SEE.
This is why I believe we get more beautiful with age. We have earned our beauty, we understand what it is, and we can see it so much better. There is no such thing as ugly and old. Only shortsighted and ignorant.
#bewtweenjloandbettywhite #seasonedistasty #matureisbeautiful
PS. I’m not posting this because I feel bad and need sympathy – quite on the contrary! I’m posting this because this is a pervasive sentiment that needs to be done away with. So we can be proud of ageing, as we deserve to be!”

Brava, women shouted on social media. Hear, hear they cried. #oldandugly hit a nerve and became a battle cry. Selfies began to accompany the hashtag showing all the awful signs of aging. Awful things like sea swimming, hiking, smiling, laughing, drinking champagne with friends, frolicking with cute dogs, riding majestic horses, lying in bed beside partners on crumpled sheets. Women in their 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s and 80s got in on the act and talked about the joy of aging, the freedom it brought them. Women shared cancer scars and stories of playing with grandchildren they never thought they’d see. They spoke about friendships and the freedom of having adult children you no longer have to mind (though still worry about). Some talked of the joy of living post-menopause and enjoying their relationships and sex more in this season of life. It was joyous and the total opposite of what that original commentator had said.

The thought that we all get old and ugly is such a sad thing to believe. We hopefully get old – more and more we understand what a privilege that is. But ugly? Nope.

At 44 I look at my friends and I see a confidence that wasn’t there 20 years ago, I see style, I see fun, I see wisdom, and the ability to out dance almost anyone – my kingdom for a late 90s club night. When I was growing up, I remember hearing some women comment on another woman’s long hair. “She’s too old for that carry on,” they said, inferring that hair length is somehow linked to age. Cut your hair, don’t wear short skirts, find sensible heels, buy an all-covering swimsuit.

We’ve come a long way, but comments like the one on Paulina’s photo show just how much people think older women should shrink into the background. As we age we should make ourselves smaller, more invisible. We haven’t come far enough. Even though Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer are reprising their roles in the Top Gun sequel, 64-year-old Kelly McGillis was snubbed for the remake. The message here is clear. Men, whatever age they are, are cool and can fly planes and shoot things. Women, just get old. Tom Cruise is 60 in a few weeks. His new love interest in the film is the very beautiful Jennifer Connelly. She’s 51 which is a victory for ageing women in Hollywood terms.

If you get a chance have a look at #oldandugly and maybe post a joyful picture of yourself. Traditionally if you searched stock photo sites for an image of a woman in her 50s you were served galleries of sad, fragile, elderly faces. We should flood social media with images of women enjoying themselves, loving life.

In Japan, they call menopause Konenki, which means a season of rebirth and regeneration. We should adopt that here and let everyone know that we’re just getting started!

Jennifer Stevens, May 2022