Over It But Not Past It
4 minute read
I handle a lot of situations differently now I’m in midlife. Age and experience have transformed my career confidence. Unlike when I was in my 30s, I no longer feel the grasping, clawing compulsion to prove myself. I no longer preface or end emails with “sorry” and I’m not afraid of confrontation. Don’t get me wrong, I’d rather avoid it, but I’m not afraid of it.
I am over-fighting for attention or respect. At our age, we should expect those things. The tricky part is finding the sweet spot between being Over It - over the drama, over the clutching, desperate need for glory and validation, and being seen as Past It. Past it is the slow train to “Invisiville”, with nothing but tumbleweed and early bird dinners on the way.
I'm by no means past it. I still have plenty of drive and dreams ...but I no longer feel I must shout from the rooftops to prove myself. Yet quiet confidence can sometimes be misconstrued for just plain quiet. And this is our challenge in mid-life.
It can be tricky to share your experience without sounding condescending, and sometimes it feels as if sharing your age can be a one-way ticket to career dead-end-ville, where you are overlooked for the best opportunities. The trick is to flip it to being helpful – not “I’ll do all the grunt work while you take all the credit” helpful, but perhaps “my extensive experience in this field might give you some insights” kind of helpful. At our age we can be excellent collaborators, bringing teams together and giving everyone a chance to shine along the way. Self-belief and boundaries are the two bookends of mid-life career success. People won’t hate you; they will respect you. And in midlife, we should be less concerned about being liked anyway.
In midlife, we must learn to value ourselves. If not by now, then when? Our salaries should reflect the value that we can bring to the table.
You pay me more because it takes me an hour to do something that someone with less experience takes a day to do. You pay me more because I am calm under pressure. I've generally experienced a crisis worse than this and have learned from it. You pay me more because I am emotionally mature enough to deal with difficult situations gracefully. I know when it’s best to speak, and when it’s best to listen.
It has taken me years to build the confidence to ask for more money. Let’s be honest, it doesn’t come naturally for most women. Yet recently I’ve been asking myself why I wouldn’t – the worst that can happen is someone says no.
In Women in Midlife, Grace Baruch suggests that “ the middle years have been characterized more as a transition period than as a time of growth, satisfaction, and creativity”. Almost like women in midlife are expected to simply sit and wait on the slow conveyor belt to retirement…
I don’t want to survive in midlife, I want to thrive! I want all the new projects, experiences and opportunities that life can throw at me. I’m full of energy, but perhaps that’s because I’ve finally connected to my purpose.
If you haven’t yet, what are you waiting for? You might be over it, but you certainly aren’t past it, and some things are worth fighting for. When the time comes, those early bird dinners won’t pay for themselves…not that there is anything wrong with an early bird!
Louise Slyth, July 2022
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